I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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