literally had 100 drinks last night.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
