why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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