i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
