yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Swine flu is the new snow day.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
