fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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