yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Drunk is a universal language darling
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
