Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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