just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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