I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
