So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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