At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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