we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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