Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
