i wish my penis had a tongue
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize