I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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