She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
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