You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
