What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
