I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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