I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
