Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
