Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
