My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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