he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
