Just took my morning after pill in the library
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Mom said you looked used
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
