All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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