I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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