Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
