Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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