when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
