franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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