My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I wish there were birth control emojis
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
