There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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