Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize