So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
