he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Randomize
