I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
