if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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