These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
