So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
