I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize