What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
