and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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