On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
