I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
