So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
