i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
