I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
