We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
