i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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