I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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