Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
