when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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