Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
