oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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