Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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