i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
