Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
