____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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