Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
