That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
