hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Randomize
