Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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