I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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