i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
